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Arch Rivals Gladiators Coming to St Louis (Satire)

I found this article behind a paywall, but think it should get more circulation, so I’m copying into my blog.

Business Group Plans to Offer Gladiatorial Fights in St Louis

A group of businessmen is planning to introduce a season of gladiatorial fights in St Louis. They plan to hold contests in The Dome at America’s Center, the former home of the NFL’s Saint Louis Rams. The working name of the season is “Arch Rivals.”

Sources indicate that the growing popularity of mixed martial arts (MMA) and the continuing popularity of the NFL, despite evidence of CTE brain injury in players, suggests that there will be public interest in a yet more violent sport. 

Contrary to modern stereotypes, not every gladiatorial combat in Roman times ended in the death of one of the combatants. Indeed, defeating an opponent without killing him—such as disarming him or pinning him to the ground at swordpoint—was highly regarded in Roman times. The death and bloodshed that did occur, however, was quite seductive, and investors think this seductive quality will lead fans to return to future events. 

The investors are especially keen on presenting human vs animal contests, such as humans equipped only with a lance facing one or multiple wild boars. Wild boars are plentiful in Texas, where they are pests and where a business has developed offering tourists the chance to shoot wild boars from helicopters. The investors are conducting focus group interviews to assess whether the expected PETA animal rights protests against “animal cruelty” would have much success in preventing such contests. 

Human fights against lions and tigers are not feasible because of the difficulty in obtaining wild animals; it is understood that felines raised in captivity have no fighting spirit and would not be suitable. 

The ranks of gladiators are expected to come from retired NFL players, especially those with CTE who suffer flashes of anger and are fearful of their further mental decline. Trained to violence by professional football, and with little hope of a long post-retirement life, former NFL players are thought to be ideal candidates for the gladiatorial ring. Many retired players say they miss the adulation of the crowd that they enjoyed as athletes, and this would allow them to extend their “playing career” and exit their career in style.

The investors are encouraged by the results of the recent presidential election, since Donald Trump has long been associated with professional wrestling, and they believe he is likely to be fan. Republican control of Congress is also good for the sport, as Republicans are hostile to regulations, including workplace regulation. One investor said, “This conservative Supreme Court is likely go back to the Lochner era and invalidate all regulation involving business, which will make gladiatorial fights possible.” The “Lochner era” refers to the period from 1905 to 1937 when the Supreme Court had ruled that limiting workers to 60 hours per week, or setting a minimum wage, was an “unreasonable, unnecessary and arbitrary interference with the right and liberty of the individual to contract." 

Sources say that the high murder rate in St Louis City fits with the branding for the Arch Rivals Gladiators, but may discourage out of town tourists from attending. Early planning suggests a series of 10 shows spread over the whole year, with a eight contests in each show. Initial financing is in place, but the investors are quietly seeking advertising sponsors. They seek to have sponsorship and contestants for at least three shows ready before they make a formal announcement for fear that liberals will torpedo the entire project if they cannot move quickly.